


Regret

by infptwriter



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not Beta Read, manga spoilers!, set after the nationals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24209218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infptwriter/pseuds/infptwriter
Summary: Akaashi has many regrets. Not savoring the last time he tossed to Bokuto. Losing Nationals.But his biggest regret was letting Bokuto go.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Here I am with another fanfic, huh.  
> If you haven't read the last chapters of the manga, spoilers ahead! You've been warned!  
> Sorry for any mistakes, wanted to post this and didn't have time to beta read it lol
> 
> Enjoy!

The moment Akaashi would never forget and, maybe, always regret was when they lost Nationals. Considering how far they came, it’s still a good outcome, he knows, inside the rational part of his brain, he feels _proud_ , but his emotional side is at control at the moment. Because it was Bokuto’s last spike, it wasn’t even Akaashi’s toss, and they _lost_. The weight of losing comes heavy on their shoulders, because it was their last game together and it was supposed to be memorable, but in a good way. Months of training, hard work, strategizing and _hoping_ for this day, only to have it taken away so fast, so easily, neither of them had time to even realize it was over until it suddenly was. It just _was_.

Akaashi wants to apologize. He wants to tell Bokuto that, maybe, it was his fault and not Bokuto’s. He wants to see his ace smiling, happy, the proud captain and see him saying nice words about how they did well. But Bokuto looks somber, shoulders slack and mouth in a thin line, jaw clenching so hard it could break his teeth. Akaashi wants to reach out and assure him that this loss doesn’t make him less of an ace. Doesn’t make him less of the top 5 spikers in Japan. Doesn’t make him less amazing. Doesn’t make him less incredible. It just doesn’t.

Konoha beats him to it, though, and before Akaashi even has time to reach out, they have to line up. He takes a deep and shaky breath and goes with the flow. Later, he thinks, later, he will talk to Bokuto.

.

It plays over and over again in his head, their final moments playing together. Akaashi can’t remember how his last toss to Bokuto was. He tries so hard to remember, but he can’t. Did they score that point? Did Bokuto hit a cross or a straight? Did he celebrate with Akaashi or by himself or with a close teammate? Akaashi doesn’t know anymore. He dreads this, knowing this precious memory is gone and he didn’t even have the chance to savor it. If he knew, he thinks, he would have memorized every single of Bokuto’s moments. He would have drunk in that moment and never let it go, because it was the last time he would officially set to Bokuto. They won’t ever have this moment again. It will never be on the court again, not together, never again.

Akaashi dreads it. After the game, he goes straight to his house, as all his teammates do. Bokuto doesn’t give a warming speech, only says he’s proud, promises he’ll do a good speech when the year is finally over and he’s not captain anymore.

When the year is over. Akaashi dreads it even more. He has become good friends with Bokuto, he would even go as far as calling them _best friends_. Bokuto and Akaashi had become such an inseparable duo, always hanging together, doing homework, playing volleyball or just being around each other’s presence. They even had had sleepovers, in which Akaashi would always allow himself to be a bit looser around Bokuto and not so emotionally repressed like he seemed to normally be. Bokuto knows him best, inside and out, and Akaashi wouldn’t have it any other way. Perhaps in the beginning he had seen Bokuto much like a star, something unreachable in his eyes, but when they started playing together and Bokuto stuck to him, he changed his mind. Bokuto was and still is a star, but he’s also smart. Even though many people don’t know it, Bokuto’s thinking is simply different and he’s quite good in all subjects. Bokuto is kind, he would go as far as helping anyone that seemed troubled in front of him. Bokuto is lively and bright like the sun, always bringing good energy and moods whenever he goes. Bokuto is funny, trying constantly to make people laugh with his antics.

The year ending means that Akaashi doesn’t get any more of this daily. That Bokuto will go away, probably get scouted soon, and Akaashi will spend his last year of high school without his favorite part of school. Through the last two years, Bokuto had warmed his way so hard into Akaashi’s heart, and now he doesn’t know how he will survive his days without his star there.

Especially when the image of Bokuto looking devastated, guilty and sad is imprinted in his mind forever, to haunt him on his nightmares. He had wanted to win mostly because he wanted to have his last game with Bokuto to be a victorious game. It had been perhaps a selfish reason, nobody knows and never will, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Not when they actually lost.

Akaashi lies on his bed that night, his parents leaving him undisturbed since they heard the results of the game, and he stares at his ceiling for such a long time, his eyes start to burn. He allows himself in that moment, alone inside his room, safe and sound from everything outside, to let everything just flow. He chokes and that’s when he realizes the burning in his eyes had never been because of staring.

He is crying. He smiles sadly and wonder, why, why do these tears taste like heartbreak?

.

He doesn’t know when he fell asleep, but he wakes up with his phone buzzing next to his head. He wakes slowly and rubs his eyes, looking at the time on his digital clock. 2:13am. He fishes his phone and stares for a second at the name written there.

 _Bokuto Koutarou_.

He answers it.

“Bokuto-san?” he mumbles, loud enough that he knows Bokuto will hear him, but also not so loud so he won’t disturb his parents. “It’s 2 am.”

“Akaashi,” Bokuto says, voice serious, and Akaashi hears some wind passing through the phone. What was Bokuto doing outside at this hour? “Can you come outside for a second?”

But Akaashi is already up, already fixing up his clothes, putting up sweatpants and a jacket, because he knows it’s chilly outside. He’s already agreeing and ending the call, trying to leave his house as quietly as possible. He puts his phone on his pocket and leaves, breath speeding up along with his heartbeat, the thought of Bokuto there making him dizzy.

“Bokuto-san,” he says quietly, but still feels loud in the quiet, asleep street. He’s standing there, also wearing a jacket for once, crunching in front of Akaashi’s front porch. His face looks calm and collected, and for once Akaashi can’t read him.

After two years of memorizing every single aspect of Bokuto, of learning about him, of understanding him, it scares him to death that he doesn’t know all of him. That there’s a part of Bokuto that he never got to meet and maybe never will, because he won’t have the chance. Or that maybe Bokuto didn’t trust him enough to show him that part. Either way, his heart breaks over and over again.

“Akaashi, can we go for a walk?”

.

They sit at the park nearby Akaashi’s house, which isn’t much far from Bokuto’s, either. Bokuto is quiet the entire way, and Akaashi feels even more nervous. He has been rehearsing inside his head this conversation for so many months now, the one about Bokuto leaving and Akaashi becoming the captain of Fukurodani. It’s the conversation he dreads the most because it will make Bokuto’s leave even more real, something Akaashi hates with everything in his core.

At first, they just sit, and Bokuto is staring at his hands and Akaashi is staring at him. That’s their relationship, Akaashi supposes, with him always staring at Bokuto and Bokuto always staring straight ahead. Perhaps everything in his life for the past two years has been like this; Akaashi has created inside his head an image around Bokuto and he carries a torch for said boy. He only has had eyes for him ever since the moment Akaashi first saw him playing. It breaks his heart all over again, but he holds onto these feelings this time, because heartbreak still means Bokuto is here, and that’s enough for now.

“There were scouts there, at the game,” Bokuto starts, his voice very even and quiet, something so common of him when he’s in a bad mood. But Akaashi doesn’t feel emotion from him, he feels _nothing_ , and he doesn’t know which is worse. “Apparently they are already scouting me.”

Akaashi’s breath hitches and he can’t help the small, gentle smile that appears on his face. Bokuto doesn’t see it, because he _won’t_ look at Akaashi, and once again he can taste the bitterness of heartbreak. Bokuto is looking ahead, at his future, while Akaashi only has eyes for the boy in front of him.

Love is so painful, he decides, but puts a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder. “You deserve this, Bokuto-san. Congratulations.”

His throat feels itchy, and he wants to say more. _You deserve this, Bokuto-san, because you are amazing_ , he wants to spills, but his mouth is still closed, lips not moving. _You have worked so hard to get here and you deserve every single second. You’ll do amazing. People will look up to you. I will be cheering on you all the way through. You are absolutely the most amazing person and volleyball player I’ve ever met, Bokuto-san, and I am so happy for you_.

Bokuto’s lips quirk for a second, his eyes glancing at Akaashi for a split of second. “Thank you, Akaashi.”

The silence stretches when Akaashi retreats his hands, and Bokuto stares ahead. There’s more that he wants to say, Akaashi thinks, and waits patiently for the moment Bokuto will share his thoughts with him.

“It’s just so weird, to get scouted right after we lost,” he laughs bitterly and Akaashi’s heart clenches, his ears buzzing. He doesn’t want to hear this tone from Bokuto’s mouth. He doesn’t deserve to bring kind this judgment for himself. “Do I really deserve it? We lost. I didn’t score the final point. We _lost_.”

The way his voice breaks at the end has Akaashi almost hugging him. Through the two years they had been friends, teammates, and the last year as captain and vice-captain, Akaashi had heard Bokuto’s voice break only very few selected times. His moods would sometimes bring him down, but his voice was always even, steady, like his heartbeat. The tone changed, but it never broke like this, never wavered like this. And it broke Akaashi’s heart again.

There’s so much he wants to scream at him.

“You’re right, Bokuto-san, we lost,” Akaashi starts with a rather shaky voice, one maybe only his parents and Bokuto had ever heard from his. Bokuto turns his head to stare at Akaashi, and he feels even more vulnerable, having him pierce through him with those yellowish eyes. They look lost, sad, and confused. “ _We_ lost. As a team. They saw your potential. You have an amazing, natural talent and you’re such a hard worker. They probably had their eyes on you since the beginning. Don’t blame yourself on a loss we took as a _team_.”

Akaashi could go on, his mind thinks, the thoughts running inside his head. The adjectives he had looked up in a dictionary once only to describe the mystery, the amazingness that Bokuto Koutarou brings. He never found a fitting one, sadly, but he thinks it’s quiet poetic, how Bokuto is so unique that no adjective can describe him. It’s poetic and romantic, and he keeps his thought to himself, locked behind several locks and doors, because this could change everything, and Akaashi is afraid it would change for worse.

Bokuto laughs then, before Akaashi’s mouth decided to go on without his mind’s permission, and it breaks Akaashi’s out of his thoughts. Bokuto laughs and laughs and Akaashi notices he cleans his eyes at some point, probably tears, but he keeps smiling and looking ahead afterwards.

Just like always. Always looking ahead, to a great and brilliant future, while Akaashi is left behind, only staring at Bokuto’s profile face or back.

They won’t get to stand side by side, Akaashi knows. Their volleyball official moments are over. No more reason to stay late training or strategizing before official games. No more showers after training or the team’s shenanigans in the club room. No more lunch or study sessions together. No more walking home together. No more Akaashi and Bokuto.

He could spill it out, he thinks, right now. Bokuto glances at him and it’s that nervous look he gives Akaashi sometimes, the look he has seen on girls’ faces when they confess to Akaashi. It’s the look of _perhaps you hold my heart, too_. Akaashi knows this look more than anyone, because it’s always printed on his face whenever he looks at Bokuto.

But… Bokuto has a whole career in front of him. A _successful_ volleyball career, one that will definitely happen because that’s how amazing Bokuto Koutarou is. He will have lots of fans, will be recognized through the nation, and he will be cherished. Akaashi knows it. Bokuto won’t have much time to spare besides volleyball, and even if he does, Akaashi is sure he will manage to fill it with the sport somehow. And being gay is not something very well accepted in the country yet let alone for sports players.

Akaashi doesn’t want to be in the way. He doesn’t want to stop Bokuto from spreading his wings, from flying high and far, so far that Akaashi can’t reach. He won’t be able to keep up, to reach out, to be there. Bokuto will need someone to support him through everything because that’s what he deserves. And Akaashi can’t give him that. He can’t.

He can’t give him kisses on the cheek outside. Hold his hand when shopping. Hug him tight after a game. He _can’t_ and won’t ever be able to.

“You should probably rest, Bokuto-san, it’s been quiet a day,” Akaashi says softly, instead, and Bokuto’s eyes almost for a second thank him, because Bokuto wouldn’t let Akaashi go. He sees sorrow, regret and perhaps hope there, but Akaashi doesn’t dwell on it. He lets it go.

He watches Bokuto running down the park after saying goodnight softly and thanking him for everything. It’s already the beginning of a goodbye, in a way. This is where their separate ways start and seeing Bokuto’s back is something Akaashi knows he should get used to now.

Because Bokuto is going ahead. Akaashi is in the back, watching him, cheering for him, but holding back. There are certain feelings, he thinks, that aren’t meant to be shared, sadly. He watches Bokuto’s back, running, fast towards his future and he smiles so, so sadly, eyes blurring with tears. Heartbreak tastes bitter inside his mouth, letting go of a love he has grown so fond of for the past two years. _It’s okay, it’s okay_ , he keeps as a mantra inside his head, until he can’t see Bokuto’s form in the dark anymore.

 _It’s okay_ , he keeps thinking as we walks back home, the hot tears running down his cold face, and he wonders when things will get better. Maybe, he wonders, when Bokuto moves on. When he sees Bokuto playing professionally for the first time. When he gets married. When he has children.

Then he crashes on his bed, crying, sobbing, heart breaking so loud inside his ears now, he realizes it will never get better. Because he refuses to let go of this feeling, of the love he has grown for Bokuto.

He let Bokuto go. But his feelings, they will remain. And this is his burden, one he will carry for the rest of his life, because someone like Bokuto Koutarou should never be forgotten. He can’t lose his sun, his stars, his everything. Maybe he lost the chance of Bokuto being there with him. But the feelings will remain, and that’s all he will ever have. _It’s okay_ , he keeps repeating like a mantra. Maybe he will believe it someday.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Sorry, no happy ending this time, I was in an angsty mood :/  
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! <3
> 
> (find me on twt! @owlhashira)


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